Weak and alone and annoying

Today I broke caffeine edge. I managed to go five months without caffeine. Which was great. But now it’s 2:20 and I can’t sleep. Which is kind of bullshit because caffeine is only supposed to have a half-life of seven hours. But I had iced tea at like 3pm.

I also broke actual edge the other day (which I wouldn’t say is as important). I was trying to give up alcohol for life, but I majorly fucked up at work and I was just really disappointed in myself, so I went and had some beers and pizza. I wrote a TIFU about it on reddit which was getting some steady feedback until they pulled it for being too boring. Puts things into perspective knowing my biggest professional fuck up probably ever is actually super boring by that forum’s standards. Also, when I was walking into Brewbakers there was a grown man sobbing big fat silent tears into his friend’s chest as his friend consoled him saying “I know, I know.” That put my problems into perspective as well. ALSO… America is a fucking nightmare right now so. Yeah.

But back to meeeee and why I’m blogging at 2am Sunday. Holy shit. 2am Sunday! I need to write an entry specifically about the song “2am Sunday”

So I’m all sad and lonely and mopey and I somehow went down this rabbit hole of trying to fall asleep to different albums. I wound up listening to Fabulous Muscles by Xiu Xiu for the first time in years. I used to identify “Clowne Towne” as my favorite song of all time. It still resonates with me, and still touches on my feelings of lonely lonely Loneliness. My phone’s gonna just go ahead and auto capitalize Loneliness and I’ma let it.

I try to find happiness in different things. I’ve been taking piano lessons for the past several months. I’ve been reading more. I’ve been wearing less and going out more fuuuuuuucking kidding about that one. If anything it’s the opposite. I’ve been wearing Russell sweat pants and staying in always always always. That musical rabbit hole reminded me of how I used music to escape when I was a teenager. And how I made music to escape when I was in my late teens and early 20s. And now I… Don’t even know. I find tons of joy in everyday things. And then a really deep sadness creeps in when I’m all outta things. I think that’s partially why I paid $36 bucks tonight to get flimvisalia back. I want to blog again. This time it’s just going to be an embarrassing series of me dumping my purse on the couch instead of me trying to write about fucking… Shooting film once in a blue moon and struggling to think of interesting content.

It’s good. It’s going to be good. Probably my socks are wet I don’t know what I’m saying. c0wkrzhvqaagp9r

 

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