Possibly while hiiiiigh

The other night I broke off a good piece of one of my teeth while scarfing some fun sized Hershey’s bars I bought on clearance at Toys R Us.  Nothing FUN about that shit, by the way.  Normally I chew very cautiously because I know I’ve got some weak-ass teeth.  But I was high.  The greatest part was I left a note for myself to read the following morning.

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Earlier that evening, I ran into a friend from middle school.  He’s really successful, has a big house, drives a nice car, he married his high school sweetheart, and he was giving my other friend advice on where to travel in Europe.  He was telling me about his work and we somehow got into the subject of saving for retirement.

Him: At your age you should really take everything in that rollover 401k and put it into a Roth IRA.
Me: Yeah, I meant to do that like a year ago but I’m just super lazy.  I’ve been saving a lot though, just not contributing to anything meaningful.
Him: You’re probably getting, what, 0.75% interest? Yeah, the worst thing you can do with your money is put it in a savings account. Wait, unless you’re saving for real estate.  Are you?
*me thinking* The toilet in my apartment leaks whenever you have the water running so I’ve been peeing into the sink for like a week now.
Me: Oh I’ve totally thought about real estate.

I mean, this was mere hours before I broke one of my teeth off on some Toys R Us clearance candy bars. So I guess you could say there’s, like, a big gap in maturity there.

Weak and alone and annoying

Today I broke caffeine edge. I managed to go five months without caffeine. Which was great. But now it’s 2:20 and I can’t sleep. Which is kind of bullshit because caffeine is only supposed to have a half-life of seven hours. But I had iced tea at like 3pm.

I also broke actual edge the other day (which I wouldn’t say is as important). I was trying to give up alcohol for life, but I majorly fucked up at work and I was just really disappointed in myself, so I went and had some beers and pizza. I wrote a TIFU about it on reddit which was getting some steady feedback until they pulled it for being too boring. Puts things into perspective knowing my biggest professional fuck up probably ever is actually super boring by that forum’s standards. Also, when I was walking into Brewbakers there was a grown man sobbing big fat silent tears into his friend’s chest as his friend consoled him saying “I know, I know.” That put my problems into perspective as well. ALSO… America is a fucking nightmare right now so. Yeah.

But back to meeeee and why I’m blogging at 2am Sunday. Holy shit. 2am Sunday! I need to write an entry specifically about the song “2am Sunday”

So I’m all sad and lonely and mopey and I somehow went down this rabbit hole of trying to fall asleep to different albums. I wound up listening to Fabulous Muscles by Xiu Xiu for the first time in years. I used to identify “Clowne Towne” as my favorite song of all time. It still resonates with me, and still touches on my feelings of lonely lonely Loneliness. My phone’s gonna just go ahead and auto capitalize Loneliness and I’ma let it.

I try to find happiness in different things. I’ve been taking piano lessons for the past several months. I’ve been reading more. I’ve been wearing less and going out more fuuuuuuucking kidding about that one. If anything it’s the opposite. I’ve been wearing Russell sweat pants and staying in always always always. That musical rabbit hole reminded me of how I used music to escape when I was a teenager. And how I made music to escape when I was in my late teens and early 20s. And now I… Don’t even know. I find tons of joy in everyday things. And then a really deep sadness creeps in when I’m all outta things. I think that’s partially why I paid $36 bucks tonight to get flimvisalia back. I want to blog again. This time it’s just going to be an embarrassing series of me dumping my purse on the couch instead of me trying to write about fucking… Shooting film once in a blue moon and struggling to think of interesting content.

It’s good. It’s going to be good. Probably my socks are wet I don’t know what I’m saying. c0wkrzhvqaagp9r

 

Planet Earth is Blue

So the death of David Bowie has been swirling around in my thoughts for a couple days now. I know a lot of us cried about it, and God knows I’m a crier, but the tears just aren’t comin’. I got kind of close singing/screaming at the top of my lungs along with “Life on Mars” in my car today. I don’t know. It honestly feels like a friend or family member dying. I literally want to call up people I haven’t spoken with in years like “how are you holding up? You okay? I know, I miss him too.”

My dad was always blasting best-of Bowie compilations in the house when I was growing up. Then in high school I dated a girl who was obsessed with Bowie. I would use her love for Bowie as a way to measure how much people I met in college actually liked Bowie. “On a scale of 1-to-Geneva… You’re all negative sixes! Complete Bowie poseurs!  Beat it!”

I don’t know what else to say.

Rest in power, Bowie.

D’oh Jesus

It’s almost two in the morning. I can’t sleep. I’m not the least bit sleepy. So I went onto Craigslist to see if anybody was selling some oddball film cameras (somebody is! I’d link to it but Craigslist links expire, y’know) and I saw some people trying to sell used digital cameras at a profit. It really annoyed me. (I’m typing this on my phone wit my tums).

I haven’t done any quality trolling in a while, so I decided to try and troll some of these no-good swindlers by creating my own post about how terrible the asking prices on these cameras are. I used to do this A LOT a few years ago. It would make people (read: dishonest sellers) really mad. But people would email me and thank me. Not joking.

When I sold my cherished 40gb 4th generation on Craigslist, it was to a Mexican man who wanted a nice gift for his preteen daughter. This was well after iPods exploded in popularity and advanced by leaps and bounds into smaller sizes, with touch screens and flash storage. I sold it for fifty bucks. Which is less than what it was typically fetching on eBay at the time. I gave him cords and headphones and every case I ever bought for it. It was some circle of life stuff. It made me genuinely happy. In fact, for years I kept the original docking station that came with the iPod (side note! Remember when iPods came with stuff!) and whenever I’d see it in my closet I’d think “ah man! I forgot to give this to that guy! Can I track him down?” It was like that scene from Schindler’s List where he was like “oh snap I coulda saved Hella more Jews if I’d sold my ring and whatnot. My bad, fam.”

Okay I’m not only deliberately misquoting Oskar Schindler, but I’m definitely a bad person for comparing myself to him. And I’m a suuuuuper bad person for deliberately linking you to an unrelated scene from Schindler’s List.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, when I think of somebody being taken advantage of on Craigslist, I think of that sweet Mexican man. I’m happy he saw my ad and not some other jerk’s. Any other doofus would have been like “This cost 450 bucks after tax when I got it (around the time John Kerry got swiftboated)  I’m asking for $300 or I’ll trade for an iPhone 3G. Totally fair.”

I’d link you to the Craigslist posts, but. First of all, nobody is reading this. And secondofly, like I said, Craigslist ads expire. Enjoy a screen shot, I used an actual clickity clackity computer to grab it for yas.

troll

 

And just like my OKCupid profile, if you find the hidden Arrested Development quote in this post I’ll buy you lunch.

Also, I just remembered this.

Landscape Photos in Instagram! Oh What a Day!

Yesterday, Instagram introduced the ability to post full-sized landscape photos. It’s a feature everybody who is too lazy to download even the most rudimentary photo editing app onto their phone has been clamoring for… I guess! With this utility baked directly into the app, people who post a lot of unsightly, non-cropped landscape photos (like this jerk!) can save valuable seconds posting to The Gram!

When I bought my first Android phone in 2012, the first thing I downloaded was Instagram. Coming from the terrible Windows Phone eco-system, I never had access to the best or trendiest apps. The closest thing in Windows Marketplace was a broken, off-brand app called Instacam. I’m getting away from the point, but the Windows Marketplace felt like the flea mart in Tulare where you’d find bootleg Power Rangers shirts featuring purple and orange rangers back in the day. While Angry Birds was becoming the best-selling video game of all-time on iOS and Android, Windows Phone users were stuck with Angry at the Birds. Flea market status! Every Windows Phone should come with a churro and a Chelada Bud Light.

But I digress.

As an avid photographer, I was excited to finally be on Instagram. Having made my way onto this most rabidly popular social network, I wanted to immerse myself in it’s culture, namely by embracing the square photo format. I was a purist, and for a long time I posted only square photos as Instagram intended. I even went so far as to change the dimension settings on my smartphone’s camera to be pre-cropped to square format so I could compose masterpieces tailor-made for Instagram.

Somewhere along the line, things changed for me. Slowly but surely, orientation-preserved photos started creeping onto my immaculate feed. As of writing this, I almost exclusively post landscape and (Lord forgive me) portrait photos on both flimvisalia and my personal Instagram page. Now that Instagram has added landscape mode, I should be thrilled, right?

The square-format-only gimmick defined Instagram. It defined it every bit as much as its filters and double-tap-to-like features did. Square-only was very distinguishing. What does a person’s feed look like when they get lazy and post portrait or landscape photos with the dreaded black bars around the sides? It looks like a complete eyesore. It’s only marginally better if that person has the sense to use an app to add white bars instead. Instagram’s developers are completely aware of this, since the thumbnail in a person’s feed remains square to preserve uniformity even if the photo was added in landscape mode.

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The two most recent photos in Lou Noble’s feed are actually landscape, but the thumbnails are square. Users can post landscape photos to their heart’s content, and their feeds can stay neat and tidy now!

I’ll go ahead and be a total contrarian: Now that Instagram has added the landscape-friendly feature, I’m going to start posting more legitimate square photos. One of my favorite cameras on the planet is my TLR, which shoots 6×6 cm photos. I’ve taken some of my favorite photos of all-time with it, and to honor Instagram’s roots, I’m going to start posting some of my better exposures from that camera soon.

Let's start with another one of my all-time favorite selfies.

Let’s start with another one of my all-time favorite selfies.

While I’m sitting shiva for a design limitation enough people complained about to warrant a change… I’d also like to pat myself on the back for avoiding the temptation to use The Most Obvious Song Lyric in the World in defense of the square format.

In Ur Drems

Dreaming of your teeth falling out is fairly common.  According to my in-depth research, it means you’re self-conscious about your appearance.  Or you’re worried about your health.  Or some other stuff depending on which article on the first page of Google you skim upon waking up from one of these nightmares.  Personally, I have some jacked up, broken teeth, so these dreams hit a little closer to home than ones where I’m falling, showing up to school naked, or being stung to death by bees (…you guys have that dream too sometimes, don’t you? No? Just me?).

Earlier this week I had one of the most vivid “teeth falling out” dreams I’ve ever had.  Being self-conscious about my teeth often leads to feelings of being suicidal. The thought process there is “I don’t have insurance, and if I can’t chew pizza, that’s it for me.  I’m out.”  So, obviously I’m being facetious.  In the dream though, I had severe depression and felt truly helpless, as oppose to low-level, pizza-centric-Millenial helpless.  I’m pretty sure I didn’t wake up screaming, but the very end of the dream did have somebody screaming in agony.  The troubling part is I don’t know if it was Toothless Vince or some other nameless, faceless presence in my dream.

To me, something that’s as hilarious as it is pathetic (two closely related qualities in my life) is that the last bad dream I’d had was about a camera.  A few weeks ago, I wrote an entry about being happy with what you have and not wasting money on things you don’t really need.  Well, about two days later I bought a new camera.  (Note to readers, never take anything I say seriously, I guess.)  In my defense, I found a beautiful Nikon 35ti and was able to buy it for about half the typical asking price.  Soon after I ordered it, I had a dream that it showed up malfunctioning. Some people have dreams about loved ones being hurt, a child being born with horrible birth defects (I couldn’t find that scene from The Fly to link to, sorry), or other genuinely traumatic events.  I dream about beautiful cameras not working.

The day I woke up from this ridiculous dream, the camera showed up at my House.  It was beautiful.  Cosmetically, it was flawless.  Ergonomically, it was pretty spiffy.  Walking around town shooting photos with it was a dream.  I would say it was easily the coolest camera I’ve ever used, even if it wasn’t necessarily the most capable.  In my excitement to load it and take it out shooting, I didn’t really pay attention to the annoying grinding sound it had a tendency to make.  I just assumed she was a raging alcoholic!  So what she’s a little loud, we all have our faults!  At the end of the first roll, I finally started to take notice though.  With the camera unloaded, I noticed that the aperture wasn’t opening properly, and that the shutter wasn’t opening and closing as it should have been.  Suddenly that quirky grinding noise hit my ears not unlike the death rattle of a small child…

Okay, I’m being dramatic.  But still, listen to this!

How did I not notice this camera should not have sounded like this?  Was I so blinded by how beautiful and downright fun it was that I honestly didn’t notice it wasn’t actually performing correctly?  What a tit.  I returned it for a full refund.  I’m still out $9 for return shipping and a roll of really nice film (okay, it was Fuji Superia, but it’s the principle, Smokey!).  The lesson here is.. I don’t know.  Don’t trust people even if they have perfect eBay feedback.  No, that can’t be the lesson, because I have perfect eBay feedback.  Anyway, I guess I can go back to dreaming about being stung to death by bees now.

Quick question: The seller described this camera as working without issue… does this guy owe me money for return shipping since he was blatantly lying? What do you think?

I love bands!

I procrastinated all week! All week. Like it’s Friday at 10:30pm as I start this. This week was busy. I started at my new job. I biked around. I ate lots of kale and spinach. I got two jiu jitsu classes in. I accidentally fell asleep watching The Newsroom (not a strong endorsement for that show. It’s like Aaron Sorkin made a sitcom without a laugh track) and slept for 12 hours. I read books. I climbed the mountains and sang the signs that I like to sing. I stole lines from Chappelle’s Show. And now I’m at a concert. Writing this on my phone.
I haven’t been to a concert in forever. And I haven’t brought my DSLR to a show since I saw Zammuto.

I don’t like being that guy at the camera with the camera in everybody’s face. I mean, I do. I totally do. But why record your life to watch later? Now I bring a compact digital if anything. I’ve only ever shot film at a show once. And it was with a gimmicky camera. I’d be too embarrassed to share them here. So instead I’m just going to phone this one in and reflect on how phoning something into my passion project feels. Hopefully I’ll have something better next week.

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